Gay children - a father's perspective

I can't actually remember when my daughter Leone "came out". I think it was maybe two or three years ago. It's never really been an issue for me, although as a father I was more concerned with how Leone was handling it.

There was a period of time when Leone was involved in a bit of self-harm, but I don't think it was suicidal. I think it was a cry for help or an expression of frustration relating to her sexual orientation issues. When she finally "came out" to us I was so relieved that she didn't actually have a real problem, such as cancer, or a psychological disorder. Obviously she was suffering from anxiety and was very emotional at the time, but (as parents) we sat her down and gave her our unconditional support. What else can you do as a parent?

At the time Leone was going through these issues she was still at college, and unfortunately there was very little help and support available. I believe that many secondary school students, with sexual orientation and/or gender issues, aren't that well supported by the counselling services provided by some colleges and high schools. In fact there have been some rather disturbing reports that have appeared in the media recently where some secondary schools have in place policies prohibiting same sex partners from attending organised school dances. If these schools have such prejudicial policies in place that discriminate against gays and lesbians then it is no wonder that they are unable (or unwilling) to provide adequate counselling services for any of their students with sexual orientation issues. And while I'm on the subject, if there are any principals (or school board trustees) of schools who ban same sex partners from attending dances, then you should be ashamed of yourselves for actively promoting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, and it's about time you retrieved your heads out of the proverbial sand and joined the real world.

While still at college Leone had many visits to the school counsellor, but I'm not sure how much help this counsellor was. The good thing was that he gave Leone a PFLAG South flyer, and so we contacted them at the time and have been members ever since.

Although we never had a problem with Leone's sexuality, she was clearly struggling with her own sexual identity and maybe part of the problem was that she didn't know how we (parents) would react. The best (and only) thing we could do was to keep on loving and supporting her, so as a family we all joined PFLAG South. We all go to the group meetings (including our younger "straight" daughter) as we thought it was important that our whole family be involved in the process of learning about gay issues and to support Leone as a family. Of course the other great thing is that it is showing our younger daughter that it is perfectly normal to be gay or bisexual, and also that no one really chooses to be straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.

It wasn't until we joined PFLAG South that we started to gain a better understanding of the many issues that some young people and their parents have to face because of sexual orientation issues.

I've always struggled with the concept of "coming out", and although it may be important for a gay, lesbian or bisexual person in establishing their own sexual individuality, and it may also be a way of saying to society in general that "I am gay and proud of it". I believe this "coming out" process is only necessary because (unfortunately) we still live in a society still clinging to old fashioned archaic values that discriminate against gay and bisexual people. Straight people don't have to "come out" so why should gay or lesbian people have to?

As a father I had never really thought about how sexual orientation issues could affect my children, that was, until Leone "came out" to us. I'm sorry (and ashamed) to admit that (at the time) I just expected that my daughter(s) would grow up, date guys, and then get married, have kids, etc, etc, etc. I now know that this was a pretty stereotypical attitude based more on society's expectations rather than my own. I think a lot of us grew up in a time where there was an expectation that people would grow up and marry members of the opposite sex and raise children who would do the same. Thanks to Leone's experiences, and my involvement with PFLAG South I am now better educated and have a more realistic understanding of the sexual orientation and gender issues that many young people are faced with.

I am proud to say that the Campbell family (Mum, Dad, three Sons, two Daughters, one Granddaughter, one Dog, one Cat and two Budgies) are a GAY/LESBIAN/BISEXUAL/TRANSGENDER/QUEER friendly family and we are proud of all our children no matter what their sexual orientation is. Leone now identifies herself as PANSEXUAL, which simply means that she will fall in love with a person (female or male), no matter what their gender.

Ian Campbell
19 April 2010